I have debated quite a bit with myself over posting this. I have decided to post this because I am hoping in the near future to have this blog published into a book.
My dad passed away 7 years ago. I don't dwell on it daily, but I cry quite often. I miss him so much. A lot of days it doesn't seem real and then I remember and it is like a slap in the face. '
I was always very close to my dad. We butted heads and argued a lot. My defense was slamming my bedroom door while he yelled at me and in return he would take my door off the hinges. Funny now, but it was not so funny when I was a teenager. You wouldn't know it by our arguments, but my dad and I were very close.
When he was REALLY sick, I lived in Utah. People would call me and say you need to come home. Your dad is not doing good. But my dad would always say, no I don't want you to come home. I am a fine. Do not disrupt your life right now. That summer I spent many many hours on the phone with my dad, step-mom, mom and step-dad, crying and debating what I should do. Everyone said "come home", except for my dad and I listened to him. That is the only time I regret listening to him. I didn't go home until he was so sick, that he could not recognize me in the hospital. That was the toughest 4 days of my life. Watching him so sick. I never thought it would be a relief to see him pass away, but it was. He was no longer suffering. I struggle with the fact that I didn't go home sooner to be with him. There was a few times in the hospital that I will never forget. We had a few great conversations when he was alert enough to know who I was.
A few days after he passed away, I had a dream. In my dream I was walking down the hall to his exact room of the hospital. It was all so famililer. When I got to his room he looked wonderful. As healthy as could be. He had the biggest smile and said to me "Everything will be fine, YOU will be fine." and that is where the dream ended. Weather people believe it or not, I KNOW that was my dad talking directly to me that night. I have not had another dream about him since, and that has been really upsetting to me. Until tuesday night, Sept.29. I had another dream. I remember crying through the whole dream. When I woke up that morning my eyes were pretty much glued shut. In this dream we were at Averys birthday party, (which happens to be Sunday). He was laying in a hammock and he was crying. He said I will always regret not spending more time with my kids. That is all he said. I drove away from that party crying that I had never said goodbye to my dad. My dad then appeared in the dream again and said "You said goodbye to me. I remember. You don't have to worry. Your were with me" and I then drove away. That was the end of that dream.
My mom is in town right now and I told her about these dreams and we both just cried. I have always regreted not going home that summer. That is something I dwell on alot and can not change. I like to think that this is my dads way of telling me to stop worrying about this, not to dwell on that. I know my dad wants me to be happy and that he is watching over my family and I. We are pretty lucky for that, and even luckier to have the knowledge knowing that I will be with him again someday. He was such a wonderful wonderful dad.
